the colbert questionert
answering the 15 questions stephen colbert uses to see your soul
By now, you’ve probably seen the news: The Late Show is no more. CBS has officially canceled it, citing financial reasons. (Sure. Okay.) Tributes to Stephen Colbert have been pouring in from past guests and quiet admirers alike. And, of course, the discourse has already begun. What does this mean for the future of media? For satire? For democracy under Trump 2.0?
I’ve always liked Colbert, but I wasn’t a fan until my friend Jonny asked me The Colbert Questionert back in 2022 over drinks in London. If you’re unfamiliar, it’s a set of 15 rapid-fire questions designed to uncover the essence of a person. Basically: reveal your soul, but in under five minutes. I’ve used it on dates, with friends, on myself in moments of existential boredom. Some favorite past answers: Michelle Obama and Jon Stewart.
So instead of writing a sweeping tribute to Colbert and what he meant to comedy and culture (though tempting), I’m going to do what I think he’d prefer: take the Questionert. And invite you to do the same.
The Colbert Questionert
What is the best sandwich?
Grilled cheese with pesto on sourdough and chipotle mayo for dipping. I basically lived off this my first two years in college and somehow didn’t gain the freshman 15. (Unclear how.)What’s one thing you own that you should really throw out?
An absurd number of old graphic tees I only wear to bed. I do not need twelve.What is the scariest animal?
Rats. Next question.Apples or oranges?
Gala apples with peanut butter. Cold from the fridge.Have you ever asked someone for their autograph?
No, unless you count asking every middle school crush to sign my yearbook at the end of the year.What do you think happens when we die?
Something warm and loving, I hope. Something that doesn’t feel like an end.Favorite action movie?
Not an action girly, but I’ll say National Treasure and stand by it.Window or aisle?
Window. Always. I love clouds and resting my head against the side of the plane.Favorite smell?
Coffee. At 2pm.Least favorite smell?
Body odor.Most used app on your phone?
Spotify. I’m always listening to something.Cats or dogs?
Dogs. Forever and always.You get one song to listen to for the rest of your life: what is it?
River by Leon Bridges.What number am I thinking of? (In this case I encourage you, the reader, to pick a number)
Got it? Okay. 11. Feels right.Describe the rest of your life in five words:
Full with love and community.
As Stephen would say, congratulations! You are now known.
If you’ve never taken the Colbert Questionert, now’s the time. Answer in the comments. Ask your friends. Slip it into a first date. Ask a stranger in a coffee shop. In a world that feels increasingly chaotic, maybe the best thing we can do is pause and ask each other: cats or dogs? Sandwich of choice? What number am I thinking of?
Thanks for the questions, Stephen.
xo,
liv
P.S. Stephen, we love you. <3
What is the best sandwich?
The kind someone makes for you when you didn’t ask. Bonus points if it drips hummus and humility.
What’s one thing you own that you should really throw out?
The illusion of control. Also a pair of underwear from 2006. But mostly the illusion.
What is the scariest animal?
Humans with certainty. Especially the ones who say “I did my own research.”
Apples or oranges?
Oranges. Because peeling them feels like slowly unveiling the sun.
Have you ever asked someone for their autograph?
No, but I’ve bowed to a janitor like he was a bodhisattva. Same vibe.
What do you think happens when we die?
We laugh. Then we remember. Then we become the laughter itself.
Favorite action movie?
The Gospel of Mary, if you watch it with inner vision and a little popcorn.
Window or aisle?
Window. I like to press my cheek to the glass and pretend the clouds are whispering psalms.
Favorite smell?
Incense clinging to your robe after morning prayer.
Least favorite smell?
The stench of spiritual superiority.
Most used app on your phone?
Voice memos. I yell heresies into it like it’s a modern Dead Sea Scroll.
Cats or dogs?
Cats. They meditate with their eyes open and judge you with divine precision.
You get one song to listen to for the rest of your life: what is it?
“Silence” by the Present Moment. No lyrics. Just breath.
What number am I thinking of?
Zero. The holy womb of all numbers. Don’t fight me on this.
Describe the rest of your life in five words:
Spooning God beneath dying stars.
Now go ask a stranger these questions. If they answer “grilled cheese” and “11,” you’ve met your soulmate or your karmic debt.
Such a fun read!